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Scapegoat Inc, The New Dimension In Project Management

Jul 2, 2018 1:40:00 PM / by Travis Jacobs

scapegoat space shuttle

 

We face real problems today… That are a bitch to solve… That’s a hell of a lot of hard work… Requiring long hours and hard decisions to be made…

Avoid all that hard work, pain and anguish.

Scapegoating is the solution … Identify a problem, a symptom, a project or a department …. Assign a scapegoat to that situation … After a certain time period has passed … Fire the scapegoat and move on…

Real Leadership is @#$%& hard…. Problem solving is too much @#$%& work and causes other pain and bullsh*t…

Let scapegoat Inc do all the dirty work and heavy lifting … More importantly .. Take all the blame …

 

punch the scapegoat

That way you can avoid all the bullsh*t, The politics, and the pain that goes along with it.

Productivity will “soar” and you’ll be a star manager … You might even get a bonus and promotion for “discovering” and “fixing” the “problem”

Why deal with all the drama and bullshit of actually fixing the problem when you can outsource that to the professionals.

Fixing problems is @#$%& hard… And expensive …. Hiring and training highly competent people is @#$%& expensive and it takes too damn long…

Why go through all that pain and expense when for a fraction of the cost you can hire scapegoat Inc to take all the blame…

Let us deal with all the bullsh*t…

Meetings

Phone calls

Emails

 

scapegoat

It’s easier when you’re drunk and clueless anyway.. We don’t give a sh*t, but we sure as hell can pretend we do… We’re really good at it..

We know all the buzzwords and are fluent in bullsh*t…

What are you waiting for…

Blaming someone else for all your problems is just a phone call away…

You’ll feel so much better … Trust me

 

1.800.scapegoat

 

scapegoat troll

Do you have a program scheduled on the philosophy that if one women can make

a baby in nine months, than nine women can make a baby in one month?

Do your customers and vendors insist that everything works correctly the first time?

Do you find your company forced to work to schedules based on the pregnant woman theroy?

If so, Scapegoat Inc. can help you.

Scapegoat Inc. is a consulting firm which provides a new alternative in leadership consulting

For the first time, your company can benefit from personnel specially

trained to the appearance of deteriorating as human beings while attempting to meet

an unworkable program schedule.

Our professional leadership consultant will arrive on day one, eager, alert and

dressed impeccably in a three piece suit in order to reflect credibility on your company.

From the beginning of the project to the “end” our certified and trained “professional leader” will seemingly degenerate into a complete physical, mental, and emotional train wreck right before your very eyes.

The speed and duration of the self-destruction can be any period of your choosing. We typically recommend a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 12 months depending upon the complexity of the project.

Once the “professional leader” has self destructed, publicly in front of the entire company, he can be blamed for all of the problems, fired and replaced with the next highly trained professional from Scapegoat Inc.

Why should you continue bearing the high cost of training personnel to take the blame?

Call Scapegoat Inc today for a free estimate to take the blame for all of your problems.

All inquiries will be kept in the strictest confidence. Even your employees will never know Scapegoat Inc is working for you. Plausible deniability is our business.

 

Hear-No-Evil-See-No-Evil-Speak-No-Evil

Anything can be fixed with a little bit of Leadership and a little bit of communication!!

Call Today For A Free Consultation And Quote, All Communications Will Be Kept In The Strictest Confidence

 

1.800.scapegoat

 

Here is a typical “schedule”

  • Leader arrives in a three piece suit, carrying an expensive leather briefcase
  • Begins the appearance of working “lots of overtime”

First milestone missed

  • Carry’s bricks in briefcase
  • Stops shaving, and showering
  • Suit wrinkled
  • Stops doing laundry

Second milestone missed

  • Ditches coat and tie
  • Wears dirty wrinkled shirt
  • Shows up severely hungover
  • Arrives late to office
  • Arrives late to office and meetings, smells of scotch
  • Shows up in dirty t shirt and jeans, drunk
  • Uses tooth brush once a week

Third milestone missed

  • Develops nervous tic
  • Leaves drunk voicemails at all hours of the day and night
  • Sends drunk and pissed off emails
  • Curses openly in meetings
  • Drinks scotch in the office
  • Stops wearing shoes
  • Dirty stained t-shirt and jeans with holes

Fourth milestone missed

  • Openly weeps in meetings
  • Mumbles to himself about gibberish in meetings & in the office
  • Passes out under his desk after lunch, two empty bottles of scotch
  • Locks self in office
  • Refuses to return emails and voicemails
  • Walks barefoot around office with cheap bottle of scotch swearing and mumbling
  • Wears stinky gym clothes

The police show up to “arrest” him on “unknown” felony charges

Blamed for all problems

Fired

Schedule Slip Announced

New “professional leader” shows up the following week from Scapegoat Inc

Business as usual …

It’s time to repent of your sins against leadership & product development.

 

The 7 Habits of Highly Defective Projects

 

Topics: Product Development, Product Design, Project Management, Leadership, Engineering, Management, Communication, SmallBusiness, Design, StartUps, ScapeGoat, Fail, Pregnant Woman Theory

Travis Jacobs

Written by Travis Jacobs

Travis is the president of JA Simulations, a product design & development firm in Denver Colorado. We help clients solve problems & get to market faster with innovative & high quality products

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